I Apologise
by Catching A Common Cold
Summary: It didn't exactly go to plan. Even after I flirted and chased your heart for the final years of our education, you still saw me as stuck up jerk I was before, and I don't blame you, now that I look back.


You always hated me. I knew why, of course, I was so stuck up and rude back then. I 'Strutted around like a peacock' - as you once put it - while at school, and the obvious fact that I had a flock of girls to do my every bidding boosted my ego significantly. I apologize.

I know I hurt you and your best friends' relationship, so much so that you and Snape don't talk anymore. I ruined the one thing in your life that meant more to you than your family. I often see you glancing longingly at the picture of the younger vision of you and Snape, (the one you used a permanent sticking charm on to keep it fixed to our bedroom wall after I tried to sneak it out of the house and into the garbage can) and I wonder what exactly I unknowingly ruined. How many birthdays and celebrations did you miss because of me? How many opportunities did you miss out on because I was foolish enough to ruin your chances? As much as I love how our life turned out, if you had wanted to be with Snape - _Severus_ - instead of me, I would have let you go. Anything to make you happy, as cliché as it sounds.

I spent all of my first four years at Hogwarts abusing my charms on unknowing teachers and tormenting you and Snape, that I missed out on your beauty. The way your deep, blood red mane flowed like a sparkling river down your back. The way your eyes lit the darkest room with just a sweep of their emerald depths. The way you walked in a seductive yet confident and controlling way. The way you spoke, in a soft, respectful and empathetic voice, bringing a calm air around you while you soothed or simply chatted to your peers. It was a sure shock when I came back to Hogwarts after vacation in my fifth year to find a red haired beauty scowling profoundly at me as her raven haired Slytherin friend shouted insults at me. I remember being so shocked that I failed to defend my honour as I watched you peer down at me with such scorn reading around your ravishing face. Fortunately Sirius was there to help me, and guessed my predicament straight away, in a way that only a best friend could. He helped me, boosting my ego by reminding me that I was James Potter, one of the most sort after people in the school. So I knew what I had to do, I had to turn on my charm, work my magic so that you could see the smart, charming, enjoyable side of me, rather than the taunting, sarcastic side.

It didn't exactly go to plan. Even after I flirted and chased your heart for the final years of our education, you still saw me as stuck up jerk I was before, and I don't blame you, now that I look back. I changed my way of acting just because I suddenly found you attractive, and that act in its self has no honour to it at all. But during our final year, I just stopped. I hated the rejection, hated that even though you rejected me again and again, I still sort after you, not seeing any other girl that crossed my path, my eyes only for you. And it was on my seventeenth birthday that I realized; I had fallen in love with you. You were my world at that point, still are, but I was heavy with depression at the thought of another rejection, so I kept to myself. I spent my last year at Hogwarts studying for my N.E.W.T.S. I stopped taunting, strutting, flirting, the whole shebang. It wasn't worth it. If the one I wanted didn't want me back, who did I have to impress?

Christmas was when it happened, I remember it clear as crystal. I was working in the library, on one of the back tables so as to avoid the group of girls that just wouldn't take no for an answer. I was puzzling over whether the next ingredient in a Polyjuice potion was Boomslang or Fluxweed, when I felt a presence behind me. I assumed it was Sirius until long hair draped over my shoulder as you lent down to peer at my assignment. I was in shock, as to why you, after so many years of avoidance and disgust, were willingly talking to me.

"Fluxweed is the next ingredient," you told me softly in my ear and I shivered. That's what you did to me, made me melt at the sound of your voice. I felt weak inside, but I printed a small smile on my face, gave you a word of thanks, and then wrote the answer in my essay. You moved to sit opposite me, and my surprise grew tremendously. You were willingly sitting with me, talking to me, and a bubble of hope rose inside of me. I tried to force it down again, as I didn't want to feel the horrid weight of rejection fall on me again. You sat down on a seat and leaned forward to rest your head against your hands with a sigh. It was then that I noticed the ring of red that circled your enchanting eyes and the transparent tear tracks that ran down your cheek.

"You've been crying," I told you, desperately fighting two sides of me; the side that wanted to know who I had to beat up, and the side that didn't want to give you any more reasons to hate me. You smiled slightly at me.

"Yes. Severus and I had a . . . Disagreement," you told me quietly and I coxed my head to the side.

"Then why are you here?"

You sighed, and ended up telling me the whole story. Snape had accused you of betrayal, because you had defended me in say that I hadn't done anything in the past year to be still shunted into the 'Jerk' category. You had come to my aid against your best friend, and I think it was this moment that I felt the painful shoot of regret at interfering in your life. I should have been happy that you chose to protect me away from Snape's harsh words, but instead I felt incredibly sorry for the strain I had added to yours and Snape's relationship. Because of me, the two of you had gradually drifted, the thought of you and I together scared Snape enough that he started to use scorn and sarcasm against you, his friend. Because of me.

After that Christmas we started spending more and more time together, and I was finally able to show you the side of me that was around when I was truly me. I think you appreciated my honesty, which is what eventually convinced you to finally ask me out. I remember the amazing feeling of joy that spread through me as you asked me, so strong that I promptly fell off of the arm of your chair, and only half-heartedly glared at you for laughing. That weekend I took you out to a nice, quiet restaurant at the side of Hogsmeade (I used one of my many devious ways to escape the castle, which you seemed to enjoy), where we sat and basically chatted like we did at school. It was nothing new, we were comfortable, we were fine. Until Snape appeared.

He told you off for exiting the school with 'the likes of him!', claiming to have been wandering past as he heard you and I giggling and watched as we wondered out of the school. I can't say I really believed him. He yelled at you, embarrassing you in front of the deathly silent restaurant, and you ran out with tears streaming down your face. I shot Snape a dirty look before rushing out after you. You had stopped behind a tree, where I could hear you sobbing quietly. I walked around the tree, taking in you sullen face and the silent tears that stained you face. You looked up at me, and I carefully brushed the tears off your cheeks and apologized for the ruined evening. And you kissed me.

It was a soft, entrancing kiss that soon turned more passionate as you released more of your pent up resentment, guilt and anger towards Snape. Your lips were hot and flush on mine, bringing out an unknown desire as I pressed for more. The feel of you against me was enough to drive me mad, all I wanted was more The feeling of your lips on mine sent my head spinning, your body so close to mine was disturbing my train of thought, sending not entirely unwanted, but completely inappropriate, images swirling around my head, and I knew I had to stop. When I pulled away you looked almost guilty, and a tad hurt. To tend to your thoughts, I pressed a quick kiss against your swollen lips, earning a thankful smile as you took my hand and led me back to the castle.

But, as we walked slowly back onto the school grounds, holding hands and enjoying each other's company, you knowingly and willingly walked away from your best friend, the one person who stuck by you and protected you throughout your years at Hogwarts, the one person you felt truly safe with until I came around. And, if it were possible, if I could take back the time I spend bringing down your relationship with Severus, I would. I am so sorry, Lily Evans, my love. So sorry.


End file.
